It feels very strange to be typing away at this blog, as I have felt a slight disconnect from writing in such a way of late – well, not ‘of late‘, it’s been quite a long time since I sat down and had a little conversation with myself and the keyboard.
It just seems that certain events recently have made me question a lot of things: who I am, what I am doing, why I do what I do, and the bigger picture in which any one person does anything in this modern day.
Now this may come across a bit egotistical, narcissistic, vain, however you wish to define someone doing something for themselves (as completely misunderstood as it is really), but it is important to take a look into yourselves and understand your place in the universe; even if this is ultimately not necessarily clear at that moment in time – it is healthy and okay to know where you are in life ‘right now‘.
I have always been inspired by those around me, happily able to call several people I look up to as my friends; but sadly there have been many who I know on a mental and online capacity that I was unable to make physical contact with a reality – namely the incredible soul that is Dean Eastmond – we share several mutual friends, all of whom I have met and spent time with, but we always seemed to miss each other, now our meeting will not be a possibility with his passing.
I won’t write a eulogy to him here, as this thread is enough to see how many people he and his work touched.
Prior to this heartbreaking moment that will go down in LGBTQ+ history, I have continuously questioned what it is I actually want from life and why I continuously shun a lot of human contact – the latter being something I have really struggled to accept and know that I actually do it.
I have concluded that I just have to.
I just have to be productive.
I just have to feel like I am doing something worthwhile.
I just have to be busy.
I just have to forget that there is “me”, as “me” doesn’t matter in the greater picture of everything in the universe.
I can visualise many of you sat there reading this thinking,
“All you do is “you”. Youtube videos of you talking; selfie after selfie after selfie, etc etc”
However, that is simply an external view portrayed by what I choose to display on social media; there is a deeper journey of understanding yourself that I, and many others, probably should try and embark on and truly know what it is you want from this so called life.
Take the time to do this.
Meditate, write, talk, understand; and try not to lose ‘yourself’ in the process, as it is a difficult one to put yourself through.
I think that the main obstacle a lot of us face when trying to seek empowerment, enlightenment and purpose is how we are viewed by others who are content (though, not having traveled the path which you wish to walk down) and this barrier is one of the most difficult to overcome.
Peer pressure is a true demon in society, and one that we sadly adhere to more times than we go against the grain. It is not selfish to want to better yourself, to understand yourself, to make choices that further your own spiritual being, mental health and physical condition.
Be that person who takes time each day to ground yourself in what it is you are doing, understand why you are doing what you are doing, and own what it is you are doing.
It is okay to be selfish from time to time, whilst knowing that balance comes from also being selfless – donate your time to other things that have a greater meaning than self and know that you are equally nourishing your own fulfilment in ways that benefit yourself and others.
I am coming to a point of knowing my own inner demons and am attempting ways to battle them, thus in doing so making myself a better person.
I have always believed that many people see me as someone who only cares about furthering my online presence, and through this gain some form of ‘celebrity status’ which I can then exploit – one person in the past claiming I am fame hungry and attention seeking.
Admittedly, I know I can be self driven, or driven by self, but from talking to people who have only recently come to know me, it is nice to learn that this viewpoint is now simply something within myself that I subconsciously trip on, similar to the metaphor of falling forward onto a blade, to doubt myself and my abilities.
We must realise that quite a lot of what we do is driven by our own personal desire to succeed or feel worth within ourselves – though it may not be significantly clear at the time.
Just take each day as it comes…
’til next time y’all.