Hitting ‘Restart’.

Do you ever sit at home, in your bedroom, curled up in bed, thinking about where you are in life… And wondering how it could be oh so different? What may have happened if you had chosen that Degree over the one you ended up completing, and have yet to make use of? How different your social circle may have been if you had just stayed in touch with certain individuals, rather than stubbornly let them drift?
They’re very frustrating and mind numbingly crazy thoughts, but I’ve most definitely been going through a period where I just wish I could find the restart button on life, just as if I was playing The Sims and wasn’t happy with the progress they were making in their virtual lives.

When I was younger, I guess I thought I would be at a completely different place than what I am now – at the very least, I thought I would be on a career path of some kind, with actual  progressional possibilities – not panicking over whether I will actually get ‘freelance’ work or need to look for another job entirely.
I thought, hoped maybe, that I would be in a relationship that had the potential to go all the way, either having been in it for some time already, or be in the makings of one – not having bad experience after bad experience, and having the best potential person (seriously, boy fell hard) not feel it to be the right time for various reasons (that is not a dig, I completely respect and understand – I just hope I haven’t messed anything up with my depressing reaction… Oh, Twitter 😓).
I most definitely, did not think I would still be living at home with no foreseeable prospect of moving into my own place any time soon…
Everything just seems to be going wrong.

I guess I thought I would have a decent job, something I’ve worked for, which allows me to live a comfortable life with the guy I’m to spend the rest of my life with, who knows, we may have a dog, even children… Or at least be planning it, whilst travelling the world and making memories, and supporting each other’s endeavours, together. Perhaps that is simply the dream, something to aspire to, something that I can still grasp hold of in time.

I’m sure many of you who’ve read this far will be shouting – “Silly early millennial, expecting the world to give you what you want!” That is totally not what I’m getting at – I am in no denial that such a life takes hard work, focus, drive and motivation (something I guess I have been lacking a lot lately), but when you go through the education system being told the world is your oyster, you are going to go so far; to find that your choices don’t exactly get you to where you first anticipated to be.
I’m not blaming the education system, but you find the most intellectual and those the education system focus more on; gain this sense of entitlement, whilst those who are led to believe they are ‘lesser’ to their peers, expect nothing… and ultimately, end up being the ones better off in the long run.

My personal conditions seem to be:
– Forever 3rd wheeling with my few closest friends.
– If I’m not working, I’m at home indulging in content creation – Youtube Videos / Blogs / Podcasts – and even they are becoming more and more difficult to think up.
– I notice that, unless I am texting ‘someone’, like recently, my phone pretty much remains without notifications… Gotta love having friends.
(I do appreciate that we must put in the effort that we wish to see returned to us… But sometimes, boy, you just get nothing!)
– Working an average 7-7 day, and that’s when I get booked to work, whereas I am applying left, right & centre for other things… and never hearing back (and that is incredibly draining in itself, emotionally as well as physically).
– And the above leaves pretty much no time for anything else! (Though, I try my hardest!)

I appreciate I sound like the worst complainer, and as if I am wallowing in my own self pity… Maybe I am, and I am trying so incredibly hard to get myself out of this rut… But I cannot help but think, even fantasise, about what life may have been like had I made different choices… If only I could hit ‘Reset’ and start again – hindsight is a bittersweet thing.
Surely I am not the only person who thinks like this from time to time…?

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