“I’m Fine…”

“Are you okay?”
“You don’t seem yourself?”
“What’s wrong?”

Nothing is ‘wrong’. What even is ‘wrong’: a matter of opinion, a state of mind, or simply a factual metaphor for what society has deemed morally incorrect.

“This action is wrong because the majority of us do not do it, say it, or like it.”

Whatever the definition, the response is, more times than not, going to be,
I am fine.” And that reaction is usually quite closed ended, in that the speaker does not wish for the conversation to be taken further, so either change the topic, or move on.

If I am being completely and truly honest, this is exactly how I have been feeling recently, and to be even more frank with you, I am genuinely unable to put my finger on the exact reason as to why.
A lot of people have a lot of various things going on in their lives, I’m not naive in thinking that I am the only person who feels this way. However, when it is you that experiences this, you just want the universe to eat you up, as you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders – as if nothing is going right, or in your favour. *Cue Effie Trinket GIF*And yet, no matter how many people speak to you, advise you on ways to feel better –
– Go see a Doctor.
– Try Herbal medicine.
– Speak to a therapist.
– Change something about yourself that you are unhappy with.
It simply feels like you are a burden to those that you confide in. I have witnessed this, experienced this, been subject to this, and it is a very sad and difficult situation, for all parties.
On one hand, you have the person reassuring everyone that they are ‘fine’, trying to get through life, clearly unhappy about SOMETHING – and yet not wanting to bother others with their own issues as they are aware everyone else has issues themselves.
On the other hand, you have people trying to understand why others are a certain way, and only wish to help. Unfortunately, it is possible that by doing this, they are potentially doing more harm as they force this person to shut even more out due to severe pressure. Again, it is another vicious circle.

My problem is coming to terms with stuff from my recent past, further understanding certain elements that I honestly thought I did understand, but have since come to appreciate the meaning of, and ironically, experiencing it myself.

Do you ever hit those moments in life, when you simply “don’t know how to life?” A bizarre sentiment, I know, but metaphorical and meaningful to say the least. Life is a complicated and complex idea – there is no handbook explaining how to do anything, you are simply birthed into this wide, open, scary world and just have to get on with it. The beautiful thing surrounding this notion, is that you really are not alone in learning how to ‘life‘, as everyone else is in the same boat – we have parents to nurture us, family to guide us, friends to experience with, and children to teach. Simple?

If only it was that simple.

To some, this world is a big darkness, in which they are the only individual, occasionally bumping into various others in the manner of a SNES Super Mario Game when a circle of light follows them on their path – illuminating their immediate front and back.
I quite like that analogy, as it definitely shows many different comparisons to how those who feel down and unable to confide in others are suffering – people come into their lives, yet are only given attention as long as they remain ‘in the light’, within close proximity to said person. It is a frustrating, yet very sad and upsetting set of circumstances.

For me, recently, the answer to everything is a big fat “I don’t know!”
What I want to do with my life, what I want to do with my immediate future, hell, what I want to do next week! The answer to any question relating to ‘life’, is simply “I do not know”.

“How are you?”
“I don’t know.”

“You going out this weekend?”
“I don’t know.”

“How do you do this?” (in relation to something I know full well how.)
“I don’t know.”

It’s a very bizarre situation, a certain sense of, ‘I am totally over everything‘.
And what I find a lot of people doing, much to my own personal aggravation, as well as complete appreciation within the same vein, is tell me how much I am wasted on what I am currently doing, due to it sacrificing something I love, and am very good at; or tell me how I am such an amazing person with so much going for me…
Well, why do I feel like I do?
Look, it’s that vicious circle again!!!

I do hope this is a phase, something I will slap myself out of, grow out of, or at least see through until the grass is greener. I know I have the support of my friends, my family, but something even with this knowledge, you can feel so incredibly alone – as if you are the only person going through such an experience of longing and loneliness, with nothing positive happening (when you know full well there is!)

I just felt like sharing my thoughts and feelings for anyone who can relate and gain any meaning.

’til next time.

2 Comments

  1. This is literally how I feel/have been feeling lately and, somehow, exactly what I needed to read.

    Sometimes, all you need to make you feel better, even a little bit and fleeting, is to know you’re not alone.

    If you ever want/need to talk, I’m available. šŸ™‚

  2. I’ve been here for some time. The other half says ‘You don’t know who you are, do you?’ – and they’re right – but what I do know, is that I’m a good guy… and that things will work out in the end. No idea when. No idea how. But it’ll all be fine. All the best to you mr. You inspire me sometimes – hope this makes some sense in return.

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